Fear and Love
by TheOceanBreathesSalty
Summary: I'm not trying to convince you to not get married, Rachel, or to break up with Finn. I'm just trying to make you think. Rachel POV. Finchel. Evanberry friendship, because they have so many things in common. Oneshot.


_but i'll stray  
>when i get a little scared<br>__when i get a little scared  
>when i get a little<br>when i jerk away from  
>holding hands with you<br>i know these habits hurt  
>important parts of you<br>remember when i was  
>sweet and unexplainable<br>nothing like this person  
>unlovable<em>

_**~back in your head. tegan and sara.** _

* * *

><p>(r a c h e l <em>p o v<em>)

You knew that your decision was going to be protested.

Getting married at eighteen was something that could easily be seen as reckless and impulsive, one could even say that it was immature.

But you were in love with Finn.

You loved him in a way that you had never really loved anyone else, the way that you love music and Broadway and performing.

You loved him with every single piece of you.

And while you didn't know if that was going to be a permanent feeling, if you were always going to love him with everything you had, you liked to believe that you were going to.

So he proposed.

And you said yes.

And you didn't have any regrets, you wouldn't allow yourself to.

But then Sam Evans caught up to you one day after Glee.

* * *

><p>You wouldn't say that you and Sam were particularly close, not really.<p>

The two of you barely talked while he was dating Quinn and you talked even less when he entered a relationship with Santana.

But you always liked to think that the two of you were, at the very least, friend_ly_.

So when the situation arose and the club needed more talent, you didn't hesitate in persuading Finn to drive to Sam's new residence and you easily convinced his parents that it was best to let him go.

On the way back to Lima, Finn was passed out in the back seat and Sam was driving while you hummed along to the radio in the passenger seat.

The car rolled to a stop at a red light and Sam looked over at you, the fading sun catching in his blonde hair and lighting his face with deep reds and warm purples.

You blink at him, an easy smile on your lips, and he grins back.

"Thanks for coming to get me, Rae. And for taking me away from all that. It was just… I mean, well, just, thanks," he said, stumbling over the last few words.

You smile at the nickname, one that has never been bestowed upon you before, and rest a gentle hand on his shoulder.

The setting sun highlighting his face fades to gentle pinks and lavenders as you respond.

"Well, it was no problem, Sam. You're much more than that. You're worth so much more," the words are simpler than your usual terms, but they get your point across and a brilliant grin spreads across his face.

The light turns green and he starts to drive once more, the moment slipping away as your hand slips from his shoulder.

* * *

><p>You knew that your fathers weren't really being supportive.<p>

They were acting like they were, and doing a very good job of it, but you _knew_ them. You knew that they were lying the first time no one showed up to your birthday party because no one liked your abrasive, diva nature ("Oh, we forgot to send out the invitations, we're so sorry, Rachel!") and the time that your pet bunny died ("Fuzzy got married and has to live with his bunny wife, Rachel!") and you knew they were lying now ("We're just _so happy_ for you and Finn!").

But you were willing to play along because you didn't want to fight them over this as much as they apparently didn't want to argue with you about it. You were already fighting with Kurt and Quinn and you were certain that Blaine would join them as soon as he was back at school.

You didn't want to be in conflict with your fathers as well.

So you let them pretend, and you pretended in return.

But you're beginning to wonder if all the people that love you the most in the world can't be happy for you, are you really doing the right thing?

* * *

><p>Not long after Sam returned to McKinley, you found him in the hallway with red slushy dripping down his face, Mercedes and her boyfriend Shane walking away from him.<p>

You easily stepped away from Finn, telling him to go to class without you, and walked towards Sam.

A gentle, sad smile curls your lips and you lace your fingers through his, ignoring the sticky red ice that clings to your hand.

He follows you to the bathroom and you rinse out his hair, the red dye disappearing down the sink as you wet a paper towel to clean off his face.

He opens his eyes once you've cleared them of slushy and looks at you, pure hopelessness making his normally content eyes appear dull and lifeless.

"She just walked away," he finally says after you've turned around to allow him to change his shirt in slight privacy.

You turn back to meet his eyes, a compassionate feeling warm and heavy in your chest. "The entire year before Glee, Finn laughed every time I got slushied by Puck, which was at least twice a week," you aren't sure if the words are meant to comfort him or simply let him know that you understand, but either way he seems to appreciate them.

He nods once. "Well, that's way worse, isn't it?" he says, some of his regular humor back in his expression.

He slings an arm around you and walks you to class, lying to the teacher so you don't get in trouble for being late, and then walks away, throwing a thank you over his shoulder as he goes.

* * *

><p>You can understand the way that Kurt and Quinn feel. You know that they simply want you to be the best that you can be, to go to New York and become famous and live on Broadway.<p>

But you can't understand why they're so determined to believe that you can't do any of those things with Finn by your side.

Is it so wrong to want the love of your life by you as you enter the world for the first time? Leaving Lima, while one of the most exciting prospects of your life, is also one of the most terrifying things that you'll ever have to do. You're going to be forced to start all over, to make new routines and live without your dads and survive completely on your own.

You don't want to be completely on your own.

So marrying Finn seems like a good solution to the problem.

You love him, he loves you, and you'll have someone there to support you and encourage you, guaranteed.

What's wrong with wanting that?

* * *

><p>Mercedes tells you and Kurt right after she cheats on Shane with Sam.<p>

Really, you're pretty sure she called you about two minutes after it happened. The three-way call was filled with her tears and Kurt's reassurances, your own words slightly hesitant and hollow.

You don't know exactly what to say.

After all, you cheated with Puck on Finn and you were also the girl that Finn cheated on Quinn with.

You're no stranger to unfaithful relationships.

But you've never been in Mercedes situation.

You've never had two boys in love with you.

So you complete your best friend duty and watch Twilight with her and Kurt, trying to not be too hurt by their reactions to your engagement and ignoring the irritating comments that Mercedes makes about being torn between two men.

You don't know how to solve this situation, but you do know who you sympathize with, who you understand the most.

Sam.

You seek him out before lunch, during a free period that the two of you share.

You're not entirely sure what you want to say, because you don't know if it will upset him that you know about the situation he's in with Mercedes, but you want to say something.

So you find him and pull him into a seat next to you in the empty choir room, folding your hands together and taking a deep breath before starting.

"Did you know that when Glee Club first began, Finn and Quinn were the power couple of the school? Well, I had immediately developed a crush on Finn before being aware of his relationship status. He could sing wonderfully and he was on the football team and he was just so unlike any boy that I had ever met before. So even though he was dating Quinn, I liked him. And I set up this ridiculous picnic on the auditorium stage and he kissed me, my first kiss actually. And then he went back to her. No hesitation, no looking back. He kissed me and then went back to kissing her as if I had never even existed," you say, the words falling easily from your lips.

He looks at you for a moment, something like understanding in his eyes. "I love her. But that isn't always enough, is it?"

"No," you whisper, looking away from him, "love isn't always enough."

* * *

><p>Deciding to marry Finn wasn't the easy and clear-cut decision everyone else seems to think that it was.<p>

You weren't sure if it was right, you even took a week to try and think everything through before you answered him.

But when it came down to it, you very firmly believed that he was the love of your life and that you wanted him with you when you moved to New York and began the next part of your life.

As angry as Quinn and Kurt were, as much as your fathers lied about accepting it, none of it was enough to convince you that you were mistaken.

In fact, the more they opposed you the more you decided that it was a good thing. After all, you had had to deal with opposition your entire life, hadn't you? It was something that you were accustomed to, something that meant you were right and others were wrong.

So their protests didn't matter much.

But then Sam grabbed you after Glee a few days after Valentine's Day, telling Finn that he needed your help on an assignment and that it'd only take a moment.

He pulled you into an empty classroom, pulling you down into a seat and then leaning on the desk in front of you.

"Look, Rae, I know that I've been a little caught up in my own world lately. But, even with my heartbreak, I should have come to talk to you sooner. And let me start out by saying that I'm not trying to convince you to not get married, Rachel, or to break up with Finn. I'm just trying to make you think, okay?" he pauses, waiting for your answer and shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

You simply nod, twisting your engagement ring around your finger and watching as his eyes follow the movement.

"I know that you love Finn. I do. And I know that you want someone with you when you go to New York because starting all over again is new and frightening. And having Finn around would make everything so much easier, right? But the thing is, Rae, you shouldn't marry someone just because you're scared. You shouldn't marry him because you don't want to be alone or because you're uncertain about your future at NYADA and on Broadway," by the end of his speech, he's kneeling in front of you, eyes locked on yours. Humor is replaced by sincerity and he looks so serious that you're almost surprised.

"But I love him," slips from your mouth before you can censor it and think of something more intelligent to say, something with more of an impact.

The gentle smile that covers his face looks achingly sad and he puts his hand on your shoulder before responding.

"Love isn't always enough, Rae."

* * *

><p>You meet Finn back in the hallway and twine your hand with his, smiling when he asks if everything's all right.<p>

"Everything's fine," you say, about to press your lips to his, but then your gaze lands on Sam as he strides by the two of you.

And thoughts and doubts rush through your mind like a flash flood, everything that you've been refusing to think or say because the fear of being alone was stronger suddenly rushing to the forefront and making your head pound.

You take a step back instead of kissing him and meet his questioning eyes head-on.

"Actually, no, not everything is all right," you're beginning to breathe kind of heavy and your pulse is racing and you're so, _so_ scared.

But being scared should never be a reason for doing something, being frightened should never prevent you from anything.

"I can't marry you, Finn. I _can't_. Not right now, not when I'm doing it because I'm scared about being alone and unsure about getting into NYADA," his mouth is beginning to open and he looks so angry but you just keep speaking, the words streaming from your mouth in an uncontrollable river. "And I'm so sorry that I said yes in the first place because I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have said yes when I wasn't really sure because that's so unfair to you. But you shouldn't have asked! You shouldn't have proposed at all because you only did it out of fear too. You're just as scared as I am! You're scared that you're not going to be anything more than you are now and I'm scared of going into the world alone and we're leaning on each other instead of being strong for ourselves and that's so unhealthy!"

You're breathing heavily, tears that you don't remember shedding falling to the ground beneath you.

There are gasps behind you and you turn to see Kurt and Mike and Tina, the three of them frozen in shock and confusion. You meet Kurt's eyes and see understanding in them, so you mouth _take care of him_ and turn back to Finn.

"Rach – I mean, that's not _why_, I just, _I love you_," he says, reaching out to try and prevent you from sliding his ring off your finger.

You slip it off anyways and press it into his palm.

"I love you too, Finn. But if I married you now, that wouldn't be why I was doing it. I'm so sorry," you respond as you choke on another sob and turn down the hallway, striding towards the parking lot as fast as possible.

You hear him yelling behind you, "Rach! Stop! I love you!" but following his words are another boy's, his echoing in your ears and throughout your mind.

"Love isn't always enough, Rae."

* * *

><p>My opinion on the recent Finchel developments in Glee world.<p>

Because, honestly, in my mind if you can't drink champagne at your own reception you shouldn't be getting married.

But anyways. I don't own Glee or Back in Your Head.

Thanks for reading and maybe reviewing!


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